Content

[After some conciderable research, this is what I have whittled down to be my content to the book. after meeting with the gentleman whos wife had Alzheimer's and speaking to him for some considerbal time I found I had such a wealth of information but very little time to then compile it and create a piece of design inspired by his story. Therefore I unfortunatly had to choose a very small section of the over all story and concentrate on that.]

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A prayer for the one who is left

Lord, the trouble about life just now
is that I seem to have all things
which don’t matter, and to have
lost all the things, which do matter.

I have life;
I have enough money to live on:
I have plenty to occupy me:
but I am alone,
and sometimes I feel that
nothing can make up for that.

Lord compel me to see
the meaning of faith.

Make me to realise
that I have a hope
as well as a memory, and
the unseen cloud of witnesses
is around me;
that you meant it when
you said that you would
always be with me;
and make me realise that
as long as you leave me here
there is something that
I am meant to do;
and in doing it, help me
to find the comfort and the
courage that I need to go on.
  

Letter to Doctor

Dear Dr

My wife does not know of this letter to you. She must not learn of it. My purpose in writing to you is to give you a much fuller picture than you could obtain from other sources, so that my wife can be helped as quickly and efficiently as possible.

She is suffering from three major difficulties, which interact with each other to an alarming extent. She has become introspective, miserable and moody – totally unlike the out going and cheerful person she used to be.

Her difficulties are (in no particular order)

1.     Severe pain in her knee

2.     Depression

3.     Memory loss

Severe pain in her knee

On the 24^th April she had keyhole surgery at the local hospital this did not improve her situation. She had been told that this could be the outcome. Subsequently she opted for a total knee replacement, a provisional date being arranged for the 23^rd July. On the 14^th July she had clinical assessment, at which it was quite clear (I was there) that she was depressed and had memory problems it emerged that she had not been taking, for some time, the citalopram tablets prescribed for her by the doctor for her depression. The knee replacement surgery was cancelled.

Since the 14^th July she had taken the correct daily dosage, but there seems to be no improvement to her depression. It was a struggle to persuade her to take the tablets for about ten days, but now she controls the taking of them herself, although I clandestinely check.

   

She endures much severe pain, but does not appear to take any of the prescribed painkillers. She has an aversion to taking any medication. I’ve given up any attempt to persuade her. In this way I avoid the inevitable “scene” which are so distressing, not only to me but also to her.

Occasionally I mildly suggest that she should perhaps take a painkiller inevitably she replies to the effect that she has just taken one. I know or can establish that her reply is probably a lie. She probably believes what she says in this matter.

The pain dramatically curtails her ability to talk. She has done no household shopping for several months and rarely ventures outdoors on her own. This all makes life very difficult for her and me. She is naturally a very active person. Frustration and despondency are her constant companions nowadays.

Depression

She has been depressed for at least a year, possibly even for two years or more. Last year in June 2008 she fell down a short flight of stairs, when holidaying with a friend. Result – a cracked vertebrae and much pain with consequences similar to the described above.

After the cancellation, on the 14^th July this year, of the knee replacement surgery, she now believes that the hospital is no longer interested in her and will not carry out any surgery in the future. I try to convince her otherwise. My efforts are unsuccessful. Whereas previously she could only speak very highly of the hospital and her experience with the staff, her views have become negative since 14^th July.

She can create scenes for no reason other than she take umbrage at something I’ve said or done. More often than not this is linked to memory lapses. During her scenes/outbursts she resorts to the following sorts of expressions:

I’m not a child; don’t tell me what to do (or treat me like as one)

Nobodies is interested in me,

Nobody cars for me,

You don’t give a damn for me,

You’re a hateful man,

You make me feel this size (using her thumb and forefinger) ,

You don’t love me,

I don’t know why I married you,

I want my mother and father,

In her outbursts she quickly builds she quickly builds up to a crescendo of shouting, shrieking and tears.

Unfortunately, I often respond by telling her that she is imagining things, is irrational, illogical or crazy. I often raise my voice to match her shrieking. I know that such responses are wrong but it is difficult to keep a lid on my emotions all the time. The situation is not improved when she adds a bout of door slamming to her verbal tirade and rage.

In such a state she cannot be calmed by me. After her rage subsides, she will then bear a grudge against me, which can last for several hours or even overnight. Quite often she will apologies after a scene, when she has realised what has happened. I doubt it she remembers the frequency with which these scenes have occurred.    

This form of aggression towards me is, I fear, not so much connected with her depression but arises from the same mental condition, which causes her memory loss.

Memory loss

In retrospect I should have spoken to the doctor more than a year ago. Her memory has been poor and getting worse. This has been particularly noticeable in the last six months. A few of her close friends have noticed that all is not right. Let me list a few of the problem areas and, later, a few of the disturbing events:

1.     Keys frequently “lost’. Generally located by me – usually where they should be e.g. in her handbag which she has already searched or in a particular draw.

2.     Debit cards, nectar cards, bus pass and several other similar items misplaced.

3.     Library tickets and a replacement lost, whereabouts unknown.

4.     Hearing aids “lost’ an incredible number of items spectacles also but not quite so often.

5.     Unaware of the day frequently. This row happens almost every day. She often asks me, repeating her question within a few minutes.

6.     Handbag cannot be found, though she had it a few minutes earlier.

7.     Repeats the same remarks or anecdotes (more than once often) to people. Also rings a person up more than once with the same information or question.

8.     Has difficulty in understanding much of our basic financial management.

9.     Gets into difficulties quite often in operating the television – even though I’ve written down the basic things to do on several occasions.

10. Cannot understand the central heating and hot water system, switches and thermostat.

11. Gets confused with the contents of the radio times and cannot comprehend the “+1” channels, although I’ve explained this dosens of times. 

12. Toaster, fan heater, radio – has declared these must be broken in fact they are ok she must have pressed the wrong button.

13. Microwave – forgotten how to defrost. She hasn’t used it until the other day since before 24^th April – she hasn’t been doing the cooking etc.

A few of the foregoing words would be acceptable, I suppose, but so many clearly indicate to me she is ‘in a bad’ way particularly when the more disturbing events are taken into account.

Car parking

She has difficulty in remembering where we have parked the car (I drive she does not) and also the time that we’ve arranged to meet back at it. I had to look for her, looking for the car on one occasion. Nowadays we usually park in a multi story car park this confuses her more than street parking.

Day of surgery

I discovered driving the homeward journey in the car that she was convinced that she had been in hospital overnight and that the day was Saturday, whereas in fact it was still Friday 24^th April – about 4pm, seven hours after our arrival that morning at about 9am I could not convince her, over the next few days, of the error of her thinking. She told friends that she had been in overnight. I am certain she still believes that she spent the night there.

The cat – Susanna

She now thinks that we’ve had the cat for a short period of time, which translates into 2-3 weeks, whereas we’ve had it for about 5-6 years. She has become very protective and, dare I say, obsessive with it. Frequently, she worries it if she does not know its whereabouts in the house and goes off in search of it. Searches are often unsuccessful, as she does not look in all the obvious places, when I’ve been able to tell her or to find the cat for her. A few minuets later the same pattern of event emerges again and can be repeated several more times in that particular session. Several such sessions can occur during the day. Whereas previously the cat had the freedom to come and go outside the house via two cat flaps, now she insists on keeping it indoors. During a heated discussion on this subject recently, she denied that there were cat flaps in the back doors. We’ve always had a cat (or cats) and before her recent ideas there were no restraints placed on the freedom except when circumstances dictated otherwise.

Bed – Changing sheets

Somehow she has been unable to remember where all the double (king size) sheets have been put and when remaking the bed with a clean sheet has used single sheets. On one occasion she used a tablecloth. She absolutely (and has always done so) insists that I do not help her in this task. Once I insisted that we buy immediately a new pair of double sheets. This we did the next time of remaking, she did not remember that acquisition and used single sheets once more. I found the new double sheets, which of course were still in their pristine wrapping.

BBC proms book

One day, 2-3 weeks ago, I reminded her that she had not bought the annual BBC Proms book which is given her much enjoyment with her musical background. Almost immediately we went out and got one. Within a week it had disappeared, I queried its absence but she declared she hadn’t bought one. I searched high and low but couldn’t find it. I suggested she bought another copy (to her this would be the first). She agreed and the purchase was made. A few days later the original book was discovered by pam in one of her drawers, she made no comment and did not dare to.

My eldest son

He is 51 and lives in London. He visits us on Fathers Day in June and treated us to lunch – a regular event. The three of us spend about 6 hours together during the day. After he had gone, I opened up the convocation with her about the pleasure that his visit had given me. It transpired that she did not remember that he was my son (her stepson) even though she had been in his company dosens and dosens of times over about 30years and that she has on numerous occasions expressed her fondness for him.

She became exceedingly cross with me in her fulsome way when I insisted that he was my son. “He’s a nice man, but I’ve never met him before” was her battle cry she did think that he must be some sort of family member.  

The way in which this scene developed still leaves me in a state of dismay. She asked the question – ‘if he is your son who is his mother?” I explained that his mother was my ex-wife, whom she had often met and spoken to at many family functions. She immediately became enraged in a berserk way. “I never new you had been married before. If I had known, I would never have married you”. I managed to keep the lid on my emotions reasonably secure under the circumstances, even though she continued to rage. I have never referred to this matter again – much too dangerous to do so. I was consigned to the doghouse for the next two days – probably a lenient sentence according to her!

Subsequently, I learned from one of our friends that she had mentioned the “nice man” who had visited us and taken us out for lunch.  

Her Background

Her mother, I understand, suffered from memory problems when she was the age she is now. Apparently there were shouting scenes, but in which direction I do not know. Occasionally she would make reference to her mother’s condition in relation to herself and her own memory. I now think she was being serious, although I never took her seriously. These observations bye her have not been made for many months. I cannot remember the last time (date).

She worked for WHSmiths for a number of years in its buying division and then as its charitable donations manager after leaving WHSmiths she worked for various charitable organisations including a remarkable few years at The Princes Trust.

She was always a confident, gregarious and sociable person, who was fully occupied in her business and recreational activities. The changes to her are quite dramatic. She had a great success with achievements regarding her choir I naturally found myself involved, not as a singer, but as a treasurer and floor manager. As a result I know all the members very well and never had any doubts about her abilities to instruct and inspire the choir, although she would express doubts to me. Her standards were very high, but she had to compromise between these standards and the capabilities of the choir member.

Despite the amount of work, this was a very happy period in her life, but in the end it proved too much she felt she wasn’t doing justice to herself and others consequently, she would finish the choir after the Christmas concert in 2006. In the 10 years she game a great deal of pleasure to a great number of people. Her efforts were responsible for over £10,000 being raised for local charities during these years.

Perhaps the winding up of such a successful enterprise left a big gap in her life – bigger than either of us thought. We filled the gap, of course, by having more time for ourselves and for other activities. But somehow this point in time marks in my mind the beginning of her memory problems. I think she may have realised this too, but without properly understanding what was happening.

I do so hope that, for her sake and mine, you will be able to improve upon her present condition and help to restore much of her happiness with which she used to deal with life.